Angels Everywhere

I have been working with a meditation known as Metta, or Loving Kindness. It has been interesting to see without even being aware of it how I believe that certain people are more deserving of happiness than others. I definitely have struggled with self judgement and at times even self hatred in the past. Lama Marut points out that one of the most selfish things we can do is be depressed. For when we are depressed we are constantly thinking of ourselves. Do something nice for someone else and in turn we get happier. Somewhere along my recent journey, though, I stopped thinking of myself as being worthy and that I have a given right to live in a perfect paradise just like every other being does.

It all started with paying attention to my actual thoughts. It shocked me to see how many times I looked in the mirror thinking I was fat- I thought I had moved past this years ago! And then as good things would happen for me- money, job opportunities, etc. my initial reaction was always fear. Fear that I was not worthy of the money, did not have the capability to be a strong teacher, that someone would see through me and call me out for....

For what? Being bad? Being a less worthy person undeserving of happiness and success?

I realized how many negative seeds I had planted in the past and that I really need to pay attention and plant the right ones now. When living in fear we are essentially living a future life. In a society that teaches us to like ourselves is okay, but to love ourselves is an ego trip, I have fallen into this idea that I am less deserving than others. As I continued to dig deeper and really search, I realized that I, myself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve my love and affection! This is the first part of Metta. Sitting with yourself and repeating "My I be free from danger. May I have mental happiness. May I have physical happiness. May I have ease of well-being."

And I did find that for me, not much happened initially when sitting. It sometimes felt a bit silly, and at other times I even found it boring. But then, there I was going about my daily life and I misplaced my keys. Once again. Often a daily occurrence where I use it as an opportunity to call myself stupid, forgetful, etc. On this day, I laughed, thought "yes I need to pay attention and be more present, but I love you." When I first started this the idea of loving myself seemed uncomfortable, silly, and maybe even weird. At this moment it was so natural and there was not a glimpse of being undeserving.

The meditation continues to move on to replacing the "I" and thinking of other individuals. Your teacher, or most loved person; the neutral person, and then to someone you dislike or find challenging. In the past I have worked with this whole group at once. But here I am taking at least a week at minimum (hm hm maybe more) working with one particular person until I am out in the world and love them the way I love my most beloved people. You see, the Buddha teaches that we are all worthy and that we can love all beings the same seeing no difference between us. By practicing, we begin to close the gap between those we love most and those we dislike or find irritating. Let's just remember that you are also in that group of being worthy of love as well.

"All beings are the owners of their karma. Their happiness and unhappiness depend on their actions, not on my wishes for them." The Buddha

Plant the right seeds now and there will come a time in the future where you will see only Angels everywhere, including when looking in the mirror.