Not Getting Angry Back

As my son grows from a baby to a boy it has been interesting to see the interaction change between the two of us. Until recently he was completely dependant on me, almost as if we were one and the same. Now as he is realizing he has an existence separate form mine he also understands he can make his own choices. Even though I say no, he tests me. Faster than I can look he is doing things like jumping on the coffee table. Not only does he get on, but once he is there he breaks out in a sort of celebration dance and song seemingly to rub it in.

I am constantly looking at my son as an amazingly speedy way to clear out old negative karma. I am being tested in patience, anger, exhaustion, and so much more. Along with this there is the greatest sense of constant gratitude and understanding of what is important. I have never felt a love like this. Recently, at a talk with Lama Marut- he was telling the story of when he took his vows and his children were there. One of the vows is renouncing your family life. His children were understandably concerned that he would not love them anymore. He explained in such a beautiful way- He was not going to love them less, he actually was now going to learn to love everyone as much as he loves them. Since the birth of my son that is what I have been grateful for everyday- he showed me how to truly love. Now I can take that out into the world and love everyone else better as I continue on my journey. For all the times I may lose my patience, there are so many other times I just let things go in a way I would not if it were someone else.

Though lately, I am finding myself angry at Rami for not listening, challenging me, and not being able to figure out what it is he wants. Up until this point, I have not been angry at him ever. And here is where it becomes a true lesson: How can I make sure I do not continue to recreate these causes in future? Sometimes when Rami is dancing on the table I laugh, other times I am furious. I think it can be a bit easier with a child to get a handle on your anger because there is an understanding that they are learning and developing their own personalities. They are not aware of what they are doing. With adults, we consider them manipulative or deliberate, maybe mean-selfish-etc. We blame them and this fuels our anger even further. So the Great Mistake, you see, is that in these moments we blame the other for making us feel a certain way. We are so sure we know what they are thinking. In turn, we give away our responsibility of anger to them. It is now all their fault. At times, we even rally our friends for validation that it is the other persons fault and we have every right to be mad.

And here is why we continue to suffer. "Ignorance is not that we don't know- it is that we think we know and we are wrong" (Lama Marut)

One of my favorite descriptions of Karma and Emptiness is the example of being hit with a stick. If you are walking and happen to stub your toe on the coffee table, you don't get mad at the table for hurting you. Well, we may have a moment where we scream and yell, but then we stop. We realize it is silly to yell at an inanimate object for hurting us. Now let's take a person with a stick hitting you- we don't get mad at the stick, but boy do we get mad at the person. And the crucial part in all of this is that it is just as absurd to get mad at the person as it is the table. With an understanding of karma and emptiness- knowing that all things that happen are because of a seed we planted in the past- we see it has nothing to do with the person. Both circumstances are simply a past negative karmic seed ripening in the present. When we really can get this it becomes clear that the worst thing we could do is get mad at what is seeming to cause us pain. Admittedly, it is much more challenging with a person hitting us than a coffee table. However, with an understanding of reality and how things really work, it become easier to not yell back, hit back, etc. We start to see there is no difference between the two seemingly different circumstances.

Imagine what it would be like to never get angry again. To be completely patient, peaceful, and happy no matter what is happening around us. It is possible. Belief in that is necessary. If you want to truly be happy, start here- practice not getting angry back. I will be right there with you- starting with my tiny little dancer- who happens to be (surprise!) on the coffee table right now.....